For those who have always had a healthy sense of self, emotional availability, depth of feeling and clear boundaries - congratulations, this little analogy is not for you!
I however have found it to be pretty handy.
A natural thinker versus feeler, I historically did not like to feel my feelings, did not want to acknowledge my feelings and definitely did not share any feelings. So when the time finally came that I couldn’t keep it all in, I didn’t fully understand how to be open and protect myself at the same time.
I would answer whomever asked. I would share too much, too often, and it would exhaust me. Wipe me out and leave me feeling raw, exposed and resentful. I know those who were asking were doing so *hopefully* to be helpful, loving and showing they cared but often times it was too much. But I felt I had to answer - to prove that I was open, that I was okay.
In sharing this overwhelm with my therapist, she introduced me to the concept of self as a house. Not everyone you know is invited to your home. Not everyone who comes to your home goes beyond the living room or kitchen. Not everyone that you show your bedroom would you show your closet. Not everyone who has seen your whole house when it is clean would you invite over when it is a mess. And the same is true for what we share personally with others.
We can be welcoming without welcoming everyone everywhere and anyone anywhere. It is protecting ourselves and showing healthy boundaries, but not only does everyone not need to know everything - they don’t want to either. So often people share much more than I was asking for … and I think “now where do we go from here?”
In time where so many people say they dislike smalltalk, I disagree. It’s a great way to build trust and quite frankly keep some conversations “out of the house.”
I haven’t personally had to access to house analogy in some time, as now it is much easier for me to decide what I want to share, with whom and when - based on my own assessment of my feelings and not based on what I think I am supposed to provide. But I have gotten so comfortable, that now I know sometimes share too much just because I can or I find something interesting. This weekend I was telling a story that was much more ‘disorganized closet’ than was necessary — and my personal achilles heel — definitely longer and just more than made sense in the time we were talking.
As I noticed myself oversharing, it was a quick reminder that I really don’t need to open all the doors.
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Love this....